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Pleasing Prague
Prague, Czech Republic

Modern Prague

I arrived in Prague with my personal defenses set at Defcon One. I knew that being an up-and-coming Second World country, the Czech Republic would have a exasperating mix of modern amenities (digital everything and two cell phones for every man, woman and child) coupled together with unpleasant Third World inconveniences (don’t drink the water and an elite corps of rip-off artists waiting to grift you at every juncture). I had amassed a thick mental file of Prague stories with themes that included general tourist loathing, pick-pockets so stealthy that they could steal your underwear and shameless “tourist prices” that were double what the locals paid. Having dealt with this caliber of tourist predators on many occasions, my approach going into Prague was “Better ridiculously paranoid than sorry.” In all fairness, I have to mention that the hustler presence at the train station was very small. There were just a few guys standing around accosting people to see if they needed rides or accommodations. Compared to places like Marrakech or even Cancun, where you can’t pick your nose without being aggressively offered assistance by a fast talking, gold chain wearing, wheeler-dealer guy, arriving at the Prague train station was like arriving in Fargo, North Dakota.

The tourist infestation problem in Prague has joined London, Paris and Rome as being the worst in Europe. Within moments of shaking off Communist rule in 1989, package tours started arriving in Prague and personal space has been getting more and more scarce ever since. This is all for good reason. Unlike Berlin, Warsaw and Budapest, Prague squeaked out of WWII virtually undamaged. Consequently there is 900 years worth of gnarly, mint architecture to ogle ranging from Romanesque, Gothic, Renaissance and Baroque to very respectable Art Nouveau offerings. Tourists typically spend the better part of their day walking around bumping into each other while their heads and cameras are cocked straight up, taking in one fantastic, pleasing structure after another. These jaw-dropping buildings are not only plentiful, but virtually all of them are in perfect working order and in regular use as offices and apartments. This concept will confound the average U.S. citizen. If in the unlikely event that you can find a building that is over 200 years old in the U.S., it will in all likelihood be roped off, covered in bubble-wrap and declared an historic site.

Prague is easily the cheapest of the aforementioned, major tourist destinations and if you have the time to get out of the city to roam the smaller towns and countryside, you will see the prices drop to such amusing lows that you will happily excuse some of the more outrageous crimes against gastronomy after you’ve had a chance to peruse the bill. By the way, the next time that you are in Czech Republic, if you see “tortellini with ketchup sauce,” it’s not a translation goof-up for tomato sauce. They really serve it in ketchup. Yeah, it was awful.

The biggest local mind-screw comes in the form of an unfortunate Czech vocabulary choice. It turns out that the Czech word for ‘yes’ is “ano,” which when said at normal speed, sounds exactly like “no.” Obviously this caused serious problems throughout my stay (i.e. While trying to order a Coke, when the vendor pointed at the Diet Coke, I blurted out “No, no, God no!!” and consequently I was served the diet). Thankfully, nodding your head yes and shaking it no is still effective and understandable no matter what you impulsively yelp.

Prague offers what might be the greatest complimentary city map anywhere in Europe. The front is delightfully easy to read, with every street clearly marked, as well as listing all of the tram and metro routes and stops. But the best part is waiting for you on the back where the reader is treated to irreverent, hilarious comments describing the city, highlighting several bars, restaurants and services as well as providing translations for key phrases that you might need during your stay like “Are those false teeth?” and “Please may I fondle your buttocks?”

St. Vitus’ Cathedral

As a rule, European cathedrals are nauseatingly huge, but Prague’s St. Vitus’ is in a class by itself. Short of renting a helicopter and dangling yourself out of it in a yo-yo harness, attempts to do justice to the cathedral through photography will fail miserably. The exterior is so huge and neighboring buildings are so close that one cannot back up far enough to get the entire cathedral into the frame from any angle and it just gets worse when you go inside. The stunning, cavernous interior will swallow the light from your pathetic flash bulb like a greased pine nut. Bring a mini-tripod for long exposure shots if you want to take home pictures of the copious, staggeringly humungous stained glass windows that aren’t hopelessly inadequate or washed out.

Prague has the most robust, far-reaching public transportation that I have seen outside of Paris. The tram system in particular is priceless (well, actually it is about 25 cents per ride) for its comprehensive above-ground tour of the city that’s a fraction of the price and much less conspicuous than the open top, painfully colorful buses that say something like “Prague City Tours!!!” in such an eye-catching, tempting way as to invite multiple muggers and pickpockets to pay one a visit as soon as one exits the bus. More importantly, the trams run with delightful frequency seven days a week, so one is never stranded anywhere long enough to have to ask anyone “Where is the nearest bathroom?” in phrasebook Czech that is only one syllable away from the phrase “Where is the nearest groin injury?” (Just kidding.) There is only one huge glaring problem with the system. There are only about 10 ticket machines in the whole city and half of those are perpetually out of order. My lack of patience with this situation forced me to ride the tram without paying almost 90% of the time. This is not as dicey as it sounds since the tram driver’s duties do not include checking tickets or even selling them. People are just expected to jump on and off the tram with valid tickets on the honor system. There are rumors of under-cover tram agents running random checks, but I never witnessed this myself and in the event that I were to get busted, I decided that the comical $8 fine was something my budget could absorb, especially after enjoying about 20 free rides.

Don’t let the horror stories about Prague scare the pants off you or worse, detour you from a visit. With a modest grasp on common sense and basic personal safety you should have absolutely no trouble. It is definitely the best time for your money in big-city touring, even after you factor in the daily bouts of red-hot frustration and anxiety suffered while being hemmed in by thousands of bumbling day-trippers from Western countries that shall remain nameless, but rhyme with “Fengland,” “Permany” and “The Reunited Mates.”